We domesticated cats because back in ancient times cats were huge bastards and had a jaw span that exactly encompassed a human head and therefore taming and breeding them down into a portable size was only sensible and contributed to a longer period of time attached to our heads. Cats remember this, and exist in contentment because they know that deep down we do to and that’s why we serve them food and don’t wring them like a sink rag when they shit on the floor.

Dogs, on the other hand, haven’t changed much since the megafauna era, where they were basically just furry barking wasps. We domesticated dogs because, well, we were at the top of the food chain and worked out the important stuff like meat and god being the sun or a rock or something and we thought it’d be fun to domesticate four-legged wasps. Dogs exist in joy because they’re basically just fucking wasps and are just happy we notice them. Until they kill us. Because they’re wasps.

I have now explained everything to you and now you can go about your day. Good morning.