The Ridiculous Gaps

I should eat breakfast. I should eat thirty grams of protein within thirty minutes of waking up, as my body does respond to that quite well. I have any number of financially-useful skills.  I can do precisely fuck all within ninety minutes of waking up except maybe type. I have a Tassimo machine because I cannot operate the kettle or the Aeropress first thing in the morning.  This is how I wake up:



Just full speed AAAAA WHAT THE FUCK and grab the phone and AAAAA ELEVENTY MESSAGES OF ALL KINDS and drag myself down the stairs and quite seriously if it wasn’t PRESS BUTTON MAKE COFFEE HAPPEN I would simply die on the floor of the kitchen.  Preparing food?  Forget it.  I used to rely on protein bars, but I don’t want the sugar in me.  Tim Ferriss fans, I am not eating fucking sardines first thing in the day. Also I would probably slash myself to ribbons just opening the tin.  I have fresh eggs piling up from the chickens in the garden because I never have it together enough to make that fantasy omelette after the first shot of espresso.

Ridiculous gaps in my ability to function as a human.  Of all the absurd things to have to accept about yourself: that you will never achieve breakfast.

READING: 300 ARGUMENTS, Sarah Manguso (UK) (US)